Message to the Wrong Person

Who’s the message for anyway..?..!

Here’s a dynamic that I run into all the time in trying to help teams, groups, departments and/or organizations develop improved working relationships and partnerships… Please read this through carefully a couple of times, because it’s relevant to everyone of us—we’ve all seen it…done it…and had it ‘done’ to us as well! This goes on all the time, but if your team can get hold of this one…enormous strides can be made toward increased teamwork, trust, less conflict, more productivity and improved relationships all the way around.

Is it just part of human nature and inevitably going to be there?… probably, if that’s what you think and you’re teammates think!!! IT WON’T BE EASY, BUT IMPROVEMENT IS POSSIBLE…it simply takes realization of the negative impact and a commitment by the team to change it.

Let’s get a little more specific--as a facilitator, I see this within groups and get caught up in it myself—let me explain how we do this to each other and the damage that if inflicts. Situation: You have a problem with someone (what they said, what you thought they said, their opinion, something they did that impacted your world, etc…get the picture?) What do we typically do when this occurs? We go share it with someone else—a peer, a boss, everyone except the person who really needs to hear it! Starting to connect aren’t you… ? Teammates (employees within the same office-under the same leader) frequently will even take it straight to the leader to deal with. Think of the impact and fallout of doing things this way -- first of all the person you are taking it to can do nothing but listen to you bellyache….what are you expecting them to do with it? If they go do something with it, then they have broken your trust!?! If you allow them (or push them to do it for you) all you are going to do is lose respect and your relationship with that individual.

Teams that are ready to fix this dynamic have to honestly sit down, look each other in the eye and say we all have our gripes with each other for good reason, but why don’t we agree to start doing things in the right way in the right spirit…? After all, if you tell me what your issue is or what you don’t like that I did or whatever, haven’t you actually done something positive regarding our relationship and the team overall? But we tend to take confrontation and disagreement as world-shattering stuff instead of the good that is to be gained. If we can manage to do it in a respectful, tactful and non-confrontational way…it can drastically improve a team in ways we cannot even imagine.
As a facilitator and trainer, I frequently have this very same thing happen to me. Here is how if affects me personally in this role: After I have worked with a team for some period, I begin to see myself as one of the team. It never fails, that eventually someone will take issue with how I am performing or maybe an opinion that I express (as if I do not have a right to my opinion also, huh? ). Instead of taking issue with me and tossing it out there for the good of our relationship…the person shuts down, creating a barrier to any further learning or communicating on that person’s part…and then later, takes it to someone that wasn’t even there!!! What I just described here, that happens to me is the very thing that people do to each other all the time. It tears down relationships, discourages communication, kills trust and makes life miserable for all around the issue. Not to mention all the wasted time that these kind of things end up taking,……because we took it through a cycle and circle of ‘the wrong people.

AS LEADERS, MENTORS AND TEAM MEMBERS, WE CAN HELP OTHERS BY STEERING THEM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION (AFTER A FEW MOMENTS OF EMPATHETIC LISTENING OF COURSE). AND HOPE THEY WILL HAVE THE INSIGHT AND COURAGE TO RETURN THE FAVOR WHEN YOU COME CALLING!?!

Take care, DOUG

GODLY LEADER MOMENT #4 (Boss and Buddy)

…Now before the feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end… JOHN 13:1

…Don’t get too close,…there’s a fine line between you & your people, …keep your distance, …you can’t be a friend & a boss, etc… These are commonly spoken and widely accepted management myths heard when people speak of the workplace and a manager’s relationship with their people. Managers say those things and maintain the status quo. Leaders know it is just management-thinking; and therefore grow, build & improve these relationships! Leaders know their success depends on the quality of these relationships.

Because so many people have seen this fine line-concept caused by manager’s abusing their authority and position, it has come to be accepted in management circles. It is found in management-theory courses and most anyplace you see management taught. Not HERE my friend; I don’t buy it for a second – I’m teaching LEADERSHIP & RELATIONSHIP! I believe this mentality comes from managers who practiced favoritism, abused their roles, not holding all equally accountable, taking advantage of people, promoting on friendship, etc.

If you are a leader or trying to become one, realize this – your success is going to come from them (your people). What kind of leader would YOU perform for the best? What leader have YOU worked for the most effectively? Of course the answer is the one you had the best relationship with, right? We speak of the importance of relationships among team-members and how dysfunctional teams are when relationships aren’t good; but the leader needs to keep his/her distance?!? This dynamic frequently comes up in Leadership Development coaching, consulting and training. My response is consistently, …don’t fall into that way of thinking; work on developing relationships with your folks as tight as possible... When you create comfort, trust, respect, great communications and a desire for people to want to be there with YOU and the others……great things happen. The result is awesome productivity, loyalty, low turnover and believe it or not, people looking forward to coming to work. When the leader cares about his/her folks, is there for them outside their job; wants to support and help them with troubles; and even socializes with them AFTER work, etc – now we have a great family-like relationship.

Now of course, there can be issues and risks, but not if YOU the leader do things right! If fair expectations and accountability happen with everyone, these issues don’t exist! The problem is NOT about this buddy & boss concept & debate,….it’s about YOU the leader, and your leadership! I have indeed worked with and coached great leaders who would not go there as I am describing! They maintained this ‘fine line’ and wouldn’t let the relationship exist outside the workplace. It’s just my opinion they were limiting themselves & the potential of this relationship.

Jesus broke bread and spent countless hours teaching, socializing & continuously improving the relationships with those he led. The Word speaks to developing a personal relationship with Him. Shouldn’t the ULTIMATE LEADER’s leadership be our guide?

God’s best to you my buddy AND friend, BOOKER

A FOLLOWER'S PERSPECTIVE OF BOSSES

During discussions on leadership, teamwork, organizational life, culture, etcetera….nearly all people in the workplace think and feel according to how they are led and/or managed. More often than not, initial emotions, thinkings and feelings expressed come flowing out from the perspective of ‘ourselves’ - the follower. This is true, even in discussions with supervisors, managers and even senior management personnel. This is likely because our predominant thought-patterns are based on ourselves as followers first and foremost. 99% of us report to someone else, no matter our current status, position or role. As people consider issues of ineffectiveness by management (leadership), the first thoughts and ideas out of their mouths are from their ‘dissatisfied-follower’ role. That is because those are highly charged thoughts regarding how they are being treated, cared for, communicated with and bottom line – led, or not led as the case may be.
This may not be the most all-inclusive and perfect list, however I would surmise that if any leader routinely led according to these factors, they would be one perfect leader in most follower’s eyes! Here are the Top 10, as expressed by people in all kinds of organizations serving in all kinds of different capacities. Interestingly, the vast majority of these observations, complaints, wants and needs are mostly from management folks themselves, ……..think about the significance of what that says for a moment! The words of a follower:

1. I WANT my boss to support me, shield me and care about me-not just care about what I can do. Feedback would be nice every now and then also…
2. I WISH my boss would deal with that one person that makes everybody else miserable. That one ‘bad apple’ is just allowed to do what he wants, because they are afraid of him, or think that we can’t live without him, what a joke.
3. I WANT to be involved early on regarding impending changes, new ideas, solutions to problems… When I am not involved, I just start not caring about how well things are done, get an attitude and become very apathetic. My motivation is shot…
4. I NEED the opportunity to develop myself, be taught new skills, have the opportunity to be promoted, or maybe just be recognized for what I do now.
5. I WISH things were done fairly, no matter who knows who, or who the boss likes at the moment…
6. I WISH I could be communicated with on what is going on, not just what she thinks I need to know. I find more out more from co-workers than I do from above…
7. I WANT conflict to be dealt with fairly, quickly, … When people are in conflict, it is just allowed to fester, drive everyone else crazy and puts everyone on edge…
8. I WISH we would take the time to do things right. We rush through everything; like when someone new is hired, we just give them a few minutes of training and throw them into the routine. We barely even introduce them, and for sure we are setting them up for failure, because of poor training. Team-building is basically non-existent…
9. I NEED my boss to provide me the resources I need to do my job well.
10. I WISH I was more challenged, maybe even get the boss to delegate some things to me. She is afraid to let anyone else do anything for fear of her own job, or maybe she just doesn’t trust anyone. How will we ever get any better?

These as well as others, are what is required for me to flourish, grow, learn and become more and more productive and useful to ME, to YOU, to the ORGANIZATION. Maybe the question is, are you OK with me becoming you…., are you modeling the right stuff? Take care, DOUG

GODLY LEADER MOMENT#3, Insanity in Conflict
“…You have heard, ‘Love your neighbor, and hate your enemies’. But I tell you, ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in Heaven. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Even the tax collectors do that; and if you greet only your brothers what are you doing better/more than others?…” MATTHEW 5:43

This scripture has particular significance to all of us in the workplace (as well as every part of our lives huh?) This reminds me of something I wrote a few years ago regarding working with ‘others’. The article focused on the challenge of working with those we don’t get along with - are in conflict with - or let’s just say the relationship is less than good! Loving those with whom we work can be tough but we are called to do so huh? Maybe HE would accept us just liking them and getting along with these others?

We all have these people in our lives from time to time; the challenge is to address them as quickly as possible to get that stress out of our lives. For me it is about the insanity of working side by side with this ‘bad relationship’ day after day after day after day (like that Groundhog Day movie). I believe we become numb to them and lose focus on just how much they are impacting us and those around us/them.

Leaders are REALLY needed in these situations. Yes, the personal leadership of solving these relationships in YOUR life, but also as a leader of those you manage & supervise in the workplace. He/she/they need you to get involved and facilitate real resolution. YOU are needed to get them out of this insanity, when they can’t/won’t by themselves. Leaders may not deal with conflict for some of the following reasons “…it is personal, not my business…they will work it out… I don’t know how to facilitate resolution… fear of taking sides or judging one over the other… I will just make it worse, or…I don’t have time to mess with it, etc…”

The reality is that we must deal with these relationships - it is your (leader’s) job! For the record, it is ALWAYS your business! Why? ...because people in conflict, to some degree negatively impact productivity, communication, relationships, morale …need I say more? HOW you do it may seem challenging, however the first step is to be committed and persist in not letting them (conflicts, baggage and bad relations) exist on your team. That’s what you are paid the big bucks for, isn’t it?

OK, soooooooo how are you dealing with THOSE in your life right now personally? How good would it feel to have that relationship(s) solved? If you are like me, when THOSE get solved, it is like the weight of the world is off your shoulders and life is soooo much better. As you begin to hesitate or procrastinate about taking action with him/her, remember that HE (Matthew 5:43) directs us to do so. 

God’s best to you and yours this day, BOOKER

GODLY LEADER MOMENT#3 (Insanity of Conflict)

“…You have heard, ‘Love your neighbor, and hate your enemies’. But I tell you, ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in Heaven. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Even the tax collectors do that; and if you greet only your brothers what are you doing better/more than others?…” MATTHEW 5:43
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This scripture has particular significance to all of us in the workplace (as well as every part of our lives huh?) This reminds me of something I wrote a few years ago regarding working with ‘others’. The article focused on the challenge of working with those we don’t get along with - are in conflict with - or let’s just say the relationship is less than good! Loving those with whom we work can be tough but we are called to do so huh? Maybe HE would accept us just liking them and getting along with these others?

We all have these people in our lives from time to time; the challenge is to address them as quickly as possible to get that stress out of our lives. For me it is about the insanity of working side by side with this ‘bad relationship’ day after day after day after day (like that Groundhog Day movie). I believe we become numb to them and lose focus on just how much they are impacting us and those around us/them.

Leaders are REALLY needed in these situations. Yes, the personal leadership of solving these relationships in YOUR life, but also as a leader of those you manage & supervise in the workplace. He/she/they need you to get involved and facilitate real resolution. YOU are needed to get them out of this insanity, when they can’t/won’t by themselves. Leaders may not deal with conflict for some of the following reasons “…it is personal, not my business…they will work it out… I don’t know how to facilitate resolution… fear of taking sides or judging one over the other… I will just make it worse, or…I don’t have time to mess with it, etc…”

The reality is that we must deal with these relationships - it is your (leader’s) job! For the record, it is ALWAYS your business! Why? ...because people in conflict, to some degree negatively impact productivity, communication, relationships, morale …need I say more? HOW you do it may seem challenging, however the first step is to be committed and persist in not letting them (conflicts, baggage and bad relations) exist on your team. That’s what you are paid the big bucks for, isn’t it?

OK, soooooooo how are you dealing with THOSE in your life right now personally? How good would it feel to have that relationship(s) solved? If you are like me, when THOSE get solved, it is like the weight of the world is off your shoulders and life is soooo much better. As you begin to hesitate or procrastinate about taking action with him/her, remember that HE (Matthew 5:43) directs us to do so.

God’s best to you and yours this day, BOOKER
[want more, let me know / feel fee to share]